un-reality

2007-04-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

haha. bus fifteen. and the someone i weirdly keep getting reminded abt. and just when i was abt to forget it all. i bumped into tht someone in tm. xD maybe its fate la. but im gonna just give it another gamble.the third time and im gonna believe its fate.

anw. today im gonna move on with life. stop being the lazy shitty emo thing tht slacks arnd all day not being able to stop thinking bout the past. haha. kenneth is gonna try to chase after a dream. an aim. lets just call it the bus fifteen dream. and tho its not really linked to tht incident at all. it made me realised some stuff indirectly.

time to stop leaning on ppl and grow up.
ive been an extremely childish idiot.

2007-04-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

bet no one reads this ol' piece of junk blog now more due to e length of time ive not updated. well im just here to blow away sum dust off my blog.

"the world is pretentious"

2007-04-02T05:20:00.000-07:00

i realise its been almost a month since i last touched my blog. haha. many ask me if i am okay coz most of my blog entries are all gloomy but haha. actually. me not touching my blog is a good thing. it means im not feeling down or emo. haha. well. today feeling kinda down so lets just let it all out here.

basically i screwed block tests. okay. so maybe everyone did. but wells.. its not very moralising. haha. gp was rather screwed. totally crap from what i was expecting. but the saddest part was i was so careless with e other subjects..i onli daresay ive improved for math.. haha. anw.. grades arent just e onli thing thts down.. i think im getting depressed. haha. i get emo for no reason whatsoever. -.- its sickening. and my mind seems to be clotted up with stuff which arent supposed to be there. oh wells.. gotta move on.. work harder... the pressure from parents and myself is kinda harsh.. but just gotta press on i guess. ive come to a conclusion tho.. im DARN FREAKING LAZY. and it sucks.

nuf said bout shitty bts. another thing i realised is my literary skills are going into e dumps. so are my art skills. due to intensive last min studying. ive not been able to have any free time creating poems or drawing stuff. and my blog is getting a lil shabby. so.. i guess e next entry i type here will probably be a poem.. but ill have to wait for my inspiration to come.. minds a blank. no inspiration now whatsoever. this is probably the third lowest point of my life..

was thinking.. people move on real quick. not tht its a bad thing.. but.. just something i din expect.. but oh wells. why am i even thinking bout this? haha.. i guess i shall wait till im earning my own money before i move on. unless some wonderful person changes my mind..

so many thoughts. so much things to be done. and so little time. and here i am typing away. guess i betta go.

PS: the organisation of this entry is bullshit. i guess this reflects on how messy my thoughts are.

2007-03-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

if i am standing between u and moving on,
ill step aside and pray for the best for you.
never mind those rumors,
they are but empty talk.
damaging to one's image,
but do you really want friends who judge through hearsay?
my advice is follow your heart,
ask God if hes e one for you that i failed to be.
such worries are unneccessary,
as they say He will take ur burden from you.
it may be beyond my limits to be there for you as your boyfriend,
but as a friend here i will always be.
so yea. why worry unneccessarily?
follow ur heart.
from what ive seen and heard, hes a capable dude.
if he makes u happy, i'd say go for it. =)

2007-03-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

time- insufficient.
words- unkept.
love- gone.
heart- withered.
promises- broken.
work- uncompleted.
body- fatigued.
mind- overloaded.
stress- escalated.
God- still there.

stone hearted as it may seem. practical one may deem. i sacrificed feelings for my future.

there are some promises one shouldnt make. coz theyre those one will break. those again i wont make. what i erred in i wont fake. your heart i dare not take. wont deny its for my sake....... but its for yours too.

2007-02-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

rumors. or so ive heard. generated from someone rather close. someone i thought was a friend. guess i dun really blame him for saying that stuff. not gonna be a bitch and put his name over here coz itll mean ive stooped to his level. maybe ive got no right to say all this coz i may be considered more despicable than him.. that is.. if uve heard and believed those rumors. then again. without details this whole situation can really make me look bad. but then again.. im not really concerned about how i look to others. just feel kinda weird, coz im feeling wronged and yet i may be wrong. haha. maybe it was stupidity on my part. all that analysing, perception goes down to zero when it comes to relationships. haha. im stupidly honest, unguarded, open when it comes to feelings. i guess that really places me at a selective disadvantage. anyway enough bout my stupidity and how i got into this paradoxical mess. its idiotic, dumb, complicated, possibly social-suicidal... but beautiful. aint got no regrets coz ive figured regrets are things i dun wanna have in my life anymore. all that hate and dislike. i cast them aside. coz ive God. u can take everything from me. make me seem like a villain. but theres one thing u cant take and that is.. my faith. i know i may not be a good christian. not being able to go to church, committing sins and all.. but its alright.. i know He still loves me and thats all i need. to all out there who bothered to read this blabberish messy thing which i just typed just to gets things out. to discard these unwholly thoughts. thoughts of making a enemy and making myself feel even the least bit gross for such a person who is capable of such a thing. then again.. on his side. its friendship. feeling for friends. standing up for them. something even i would do. i would have made the same stupid mistake. so dont go about seeing this post as one that clears me of any wrongs i may have done but rather one of confession. i admit all my mistakes. all those that are factual. not all those untrue rumors and unclear facts. but those which are true. it is easier to talk abt people without having to mention details.. but sadly its those details that make the story true. to those who have trusted me. know me and believe in me. i wanna say thanks. thank you for believing in me.

rumors affect. no matter how much you say youre impervious to them, as long you have a social life, they do have a degree of damage to you. it is clever to create an untrue fact and spread it round to damage another's reputation, hurt someone's feelings. it isnt hard to either. but as you hide in the smokescreen of the fact that the root of rumors is almost always unknown, it is cowardice. okay. typed enough and said almost all that i wanted to get out. my disappointment. my mistakes, my flaws, my feelings. i guess there were so many mistakes made in this situation that its impractical to count who made the most.. it could be no one's fault, it could be the mistake of everyone involved. in this case.. im going to forget.. it isnt worth remembering anyway. forgive, the bible tells us. u aint a christian, but will you forgive too?

2007-01-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

H ow can i bear to see you suffer each day,
E nd her hurt, to the Lord i pray.
L ife drips slowly out her emotional vein,
P lummenting her spirits with all that pain.
L ove simple was all she was asking for,
E very sentence to you meant little to her meant more.
S carred she is, her minds in a mess,
S hes in pain, but all i can do is watch, helpless.

2006-12-09T06:44:00.000-08:00

ive not touched gambling since goodness knows when. even its just 5 cents or whatever the money... so long as it involved playing with money, i wouldn't touch it. i feel gambling shows us the the ugly side of us humans.. it turns a fully grown man into a adrenalin filled maniac with muscle spasms while watching a match hes betted on.. its almost his mood is being controlled my the outcome of the match itself. he curses and swears when the team hes putting his money on makes a miniscule mistake and is filled with glee when that happens to the other. if he wins.. everything is fine. if he loses ( which in gambling, is highly probable ) the people around him get hell. accused for saying things that affected the match.. meddling with the com hes checking his results on.. its bullshit really.

when people gamble.. they are often obsessed with money. money makes man do evil things... like rob and even kill. and since gambling involves alot of it... i feel gambling really turns men into monsters. FUCK TO ALL ABUSIVE GAMBLERS. coz if u fucking lose, it aint no other pples shit. so u sure as hell dun go around fucking pple up juz bcoz u got BURNT.

ive kinda made this personal pledge.. not to touch gambling.. ill try my best not to.. im sure there are cases where gambler play for fun and dun go overboard. at least they say they do.. but its all e same aint it. start small and grow into big compulsive gamblers.

therefore. i wont gamble for my future wife, future kids and future friends. i wont gamble for God. i wun touch that devilish thing. coz gambling is just EVIL. it doesnt matter how u put it. itll ruin you eventually if youre not careful. but as for me. no thanks. i guess ill skip the risk.

2006-12-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered... How does one person come to love another? Is there a precise chemistry in which two people would actually be made for each other? Or would it be that people actually grow to love each other. And how do we humans actually know we've actually fallen in love before? I mean... we aren't really sure whether what we feel is the real deal. For me, I define falling in love as e intense emotion one feels for another. (I wouldn't just say happiness... coz I feel that pain is a feeling involved in love too. In fact, what is love actually? It really is all the emotions jumbled up together to create one inexplicable sensation which we define as love.)

I've came to a personal conclusion that true love is reached when one fights not for his happiness but the happiness of the other. I guess in that sense, I do believe in true love. But what I don't believe in, is a perfect one. Thats because I feel that that is only achievable by God himself. Anyway... who is worthy to define perfection? Perfection itself is a relative term. Nothing is perfect. But what we mortals can do is to chase that elusive dream. As for me... really feel I'm chasing the impossible. Maybe it's because I haven't met anyone yet. or even if I have some with the possibility of fitting my description... there just isn't any chemistry... or the timing is off... or even distance becomes a problem. But still I will wait for that someone. Because I've already made a personal pledge that the next girl ill ever love would be my last... and I would love her with everything I've got. To ignore logic. It's a bold decision... but... I guess its just me.

Whenever I hear someone in a relationship tell me that "it's not a serious one" or "we're just having fun", I don't know why but it feels really wrong to me... but at the same time... I envy them for being capable of not taking a relationship seriously. Haha. Care freeness. Something I cant bear to achieve. Maybe its because ill never want to hurt the other party ever. Maybe its because I'm foolish and wish to keep all e pain in a relationship to myself.

I guess... what I really need... is someone equally foolish.

To ignore logic with me.